poem on my lifting evolution

Lean walk through Fire
- Kat Ricker

For an ectomorph
drawn to strength
and muscle,
the gymlife is a walk through fire.

Many combust,
gliding to the ground outside
settling among the ashes of defeated dreams
and burnt pride.

But this compact iron being
is born solid
and can harden
to crush diamond.

True to my bodybuilder psyche,
I forced my way through the jungle
to the stage.
Though I bled from cuts
from ignorant men born big,
I dedicated myself to this path.
Leaving my ego exposed
while I worked,
I went deeper inside myself,
learning the rules of the discipline,
fighting to fit its impersonal demands.
To my relief,
the world paid me pride.
No one questioned that I was there.
I grew bigger, men cheered,
and my perspective drowned,
surprised by the demand
to starve.
Nature glared at my ingratitude.
Death knocked,
but I clawed my way back.
My stare into the dark side shook me awake.
I sought better teachers,
I learned a healthy path.
After that, the stage
warmed around me,
joy swelled my muscles,
and my vision expanded.

From my walkabout,
lessons came like sun after a storm –
understanding my body, my self
bowing before nature’s sovereignty,
seeking balance in all things,
and stacking priorities in real order.
I live each day grateful
that I emerged whole,
setting up humility and enlightenment
on my mantle of health,
to the right and left of my trophy sword.

From there,
I listened to my body
and followed it
to Olympic lifting
and boxing
and walks.

Life became easier.

I stepped outside myself,
restored my heart to those I love,
and I became fuller.

Now, looking back,
the long, rocky trail was valuable
because it brought me nearer to my best.
Whether there was a straighter path
I can never know.

I worked to show others who I knew I was inside.
Now they recognize me for what I wanted to be,
meanwhile,
I found that I am something more.

Now I see others clearly, through the lens of truth.
Envy and comparisons have fallen away.
I pride myself and cheer each struggler’s strengths.
I respect all disciplines,
knowing Amazons are the same.

I have found peace,
and I carry myself high
to cast a light of hope
for others crawling through the dark,
so they might see a different direction
is possible
through the woods.

--
And just this thing more
for my tribe:
Body size is relative,
but a small mind is real.